SELF-ESTEEM

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken- Oscar Wilde

So I made it to New York! The drive was long but I did it! Along the way I stopped in DC for a night. Had dinner at the bar of the hotel I was staying in and met a principal of an inner city school that was holding their senior prom at the hotel. By the end of our conversation I had promised to come back to DC in the fall and hold a yoga workshop for the students who were interested. I gave her my card and I hope she takes me up on it.

My vision for the future is to create a wellness program that schools can use to help our children live and grow in these troubled and complicated times we are living in. Through a yoga practice, mindful breathing and meditation wouldn’t it be amazing to have a whole generation of kids turning inward to help themselves out of any situation successfully instead of lashing out and blaming everyone else and not accepting responsibility for their own actions?

It seems like we are living in a society where people feel like they can behave badly, (to put it mildly), and get away with it. Character really does count and we need to tell our kids that. It all boils down to self-esteem. The quality of the life you lead revolves around your self-esteem. How you feel about yourself gets reflected in every aspect of your life. There is so much pain in the world today what if we reached out and gave everyone an opportunity to feel great about themselves? It doesn’t matter if you are wealthy or poor, young or old, foreign or domestic all children/people have to love themselves. Pay attention to your ‘self’. Who you are, what resonates with you?  Yoga, (or movement of any kind, physical activity), breathing, quiet introspective moments all develop self-esteem.

As I have mentioned before I have been saying ‘Jiminy Cricket’ to my kids their whole lives. His famous quote to Pinocchio is one of our rules we live by and that is, “Always let your conscience be your guide”. You say that to a kid as they are walking out the door and they will think about it! Not that they won't make mistakes but they will have that in their heads, and if you teach them that they have a responsibility to themselves that if they know better they must do better. Development of intuition and listening to your inner guide and trusting yourself is empowering. Self-esteem is not something you can buy, even though we try to with our cars we drive or our clothes we wear or the bags we carry. Living your life without the approval of other people develops true self-esteem. The masses don’t like this theory. (As my friend Marilyn’s father says, The Masses Are Asses! Classic!!) Don’t be afraid of thinking outside the box. You don’t have to live small to make other people feel big. Be big, bold and brave. Support, inspire and encourage each other and above all love yourselves. That is the message I would like to send to every kid I work with. Think of how awesome the future would be with a whole generation of people who truly loved themselves. I say let's do it.

Wellness Drive

I am about to begin my "wellness drive". I am driving by myself from Florida to NY. I have about 5 Deepak Chopra/Carolyn Myss audiobooks and miles of open road. I plan on being enlightened by New Jersey.
I am looking forward to seeing my sister in law, Barbara, in South Carolina for a fun girl's night tonight! And then driving either all the way to Long Island or stopping one more time. (hotel night by myself sounds heavenly so I may just take my time!)
I am looking forward to the solitude of a road trip. Maybe I will learn a little bit about myself with all of this time for reflection. Or maybe just mindlessly sing along to my ipod. Like that commercial for windows, where the average Joe has a revelation and in their minds eye they are way better good looking than in real life, I am envisioning I am either a Thelma or a Louise on a road trip to freedom. In reality I have a car packed up like the Beverly Hillbillies and I try to push out the thoughts of DVT setting in by Georgia. HA! Crazy. Here is my driving playlist if anyone else needs some tunes for the open road. Happy trails!

SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

A great friend of mine sent this to me a long time ago and one of the joys of moving is finding little treasures hidden in your desk that you loved enough to keep  but didn't know where to put it.

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Some signs of inner peace include...

-A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fear based past experiences.
-An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
-A loss of interest in judging other people
-A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
-A loss of interest in conflict
-A loss of the ability to worry, (this is a serious symptom)
-Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation and gratitude
-An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
-An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Taken as a whole, these spell peace. Taken individually, they lead to peace.
 by Saskia Davis ©1984

Homeward Bound

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together
.. there is something you must always remember. 
you are braver than you believe, stronger than 
you seem, and smarter than you think.
but the most important thing is, 
even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” 
Winnie the Pooh

Getting ready to head out of FLA for the summer back to Westhampton, NY. Back to our old home where we raised our young family. The sanctity, safety and security of familiarity. Our home where we brought our youngest home from the hospital on a rainy day in March. Where we decorated Christmas trees with strings of popcorn and watched little excited faces rush down the stairs in awe and wonder that only true believers have.

The block we trick or treated on, the bathroom where endless nights of tubby times were held. The kitchen table that we wrote our spelling words 5 times each on and ate breakfast for dinner. The beds we curled up in to watch Disney movies and read bedtime stories. The yard we held birthday parties in and caught lightening bugs in jars. HOME.

I get to spend the summer in this little Shangri-la. To go back to a simpler time that I didn’t enjoy near enough when we were living through these good old days.

Of course I wont be doing the same things I did then. Kids are growing older as are we. Band-aids and kisses don’t take care of the problems of young adults.

What I have come to find out this year, a year of living outside of my comfort zone, is that home is not a place but a state of mind. I was sad to be so far from what I knew and loved. It took me this whole year to get used to the fact that it was time for me to let go of being “the mommy”.

Part of me was genuinely sad that kids were growing and I wasn’t needed in quite the same capacity I had been. Honestly the other part of me was scared that it was time, if I wanted to keep moving forward, to put myself out there as a person. Not as a mother or a wife or daughter or a friend but as myself. I had no other costume to hide behind. It was going to be all me. When I admitted my fear to myself a funny thing happened, it disappeared. Sometimes it creeps back in but usually if I catch it in time I can kick it to the curb with a few deep breaths.

What an amazing year. I feel as enthusiastic and excited for all my new future has in store for me as I do watching my kids navigate the beginning of the most promising and exciting time in life where anything is possible and the world is theirs for the taking. Because, it is true! Anything is possible. If we truly believe we are more powerful than beyond measure we can achieve anything at any age.

Don’t get me wrong, I still miss the days where my kids were small and they need their Dad and I the most. But there is something to be said for being able to have a meaningful conversation about life or share a laugh about things they only understand because they are grown, or watching them stand on their own two feet and not need us at all.

Mary Pat's Quinoa Salad

Did you ever have a friend you could call and/or show up on her doorstep 24/7 and ask ANYTHING and she could give you an answer? AND its insightful, helpful, honest and true? A friend who you can call and ask anything, who gives you great advice, makes you LAUGH till you cry AND can cook and ALWAYS has wine and will ALWAYS drink it with you?? This is a good friend to have and if you are lucky enough to have one of these, never let them go. Here is a recipe for a salad that Mary Pat made us for lunch one day. It is delicious and so good for you! Thank you for always sharing all the good stuff with me MP!

Quinoa Salad

1 cup Quinoa (rinsed well in hot water in a strainer)
2 cups good organic chicken stock
salt/pepper to taste

cook like rice (bring to a boil and then simmer from 10 to 15 minutes until the liquid is absorbed)

add any sauteed vegetables to the cooked Quinoa

I love sauteed onion, zucchini, garlic, oregano, salt and pepper.

Reserve some plain to add to your yogurt and fruit for breakfast.

Or after you add the sauteed veg use as a cold grain and veggie salad for lunch.

And hot with dinner with a little freshly grated Parmesan cheese as a side to a protein and a green veg .
  

The Road Not Taken

Back in the 80's I read a book and saw a movie called The Outsiders. It had every cute boy from that era in the movie and every girl I know saw it a million times. I became slightly obsessed with the writings of S.E. Hinton and before computers or on demand television, would read different chapters of the books over and over again. When the two main characters of The Outsiders are hiding out in the church they come to find out they appreciate things in life like books and poetry and sunsets. Johnny remembers a poem he read by Robert Frost called Nothing Gold Can Stay about how beauty is fleeting and we have to appreciate the beautiful moments in life when they are happening. Being obsessed with all things Outsiders at the time you can imagine my joy when I found a book of poems by Robert Frost in our book shelves. (If Johnny and Ponyboy liked him then he was good enough for me!) The Road Not Taken actually struck something in me in the ninth grade.(Apparently I was really deep back then) It remains one of my favorite poems to this day and little did I know a book of poems I would read because Ralph Macchio told me it was cool would lead me to find the poem that I would identify with for all of my life.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5 Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,         10 And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.         15 I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.         20

Here Comes The Sun...

Summer is here. There is nothing that makes me happier and more content than the feel of warm sun on my skin. A day at the beach sitting in the sun, swimming in the ocean, eyes closed hearing the waves crash and the occasional plane flying by pulling a giant sign advertising some summertime fun that is going on. When my kids were small we spent all day everyday going to the beach. Tan, barefoot and blond is how I will always think of my kids during some of the happiest times of our lives.


With all of this also comes the responsibility you have to yourself and your families to protect yourself against the dangerous UV rays that cause sunburn and produce skin cancer. 
I was in high school working at a cafe on the weekends when a woman who I was waiting on pulled me aside before she left to tell me that the mole on my neck looked suspicious to her and I needed to get it checked out. I wasn't really phased by her words. I was seventeen and there was probably a keg party that weekend that needed my full attention. I was young and immortal and words like 'suspicious' didn't scare me.


A few months later I was out on the east end of Long Island visiting my Dad from Boston for the summer and he made an appointment for me to see a dermatologist. I went in had the mole removed and didn't think another thing about and still wasn't concerned when my doctor called my dad personally and asked him to bring me back in. We went back and we sat in his office and he looked me in the eye and said, "Your mole is malignant. It is melanoma and it means its cancer." My dad got very upset and I was still clueless so I was embarrassed that he was getting emotional. "Dad, its fine, I'm not going to die, right?" I looked to the doctor to back me up to my weepy horribly embarrassing father and he said "You need to see a surgeon." (UH Hello, you are supposed to just simply say NO!)


So I went back to Boston where we were living at the time and had surgery on my neck where the mole had been at Brigham and Women's Hospital. The surgeon did a great job and although for a long time the red line on my neck was a constant reminder that my relationship with one of the best free things in life, was going to have to change. Luckily my lymph nodes were clear and they had caught it in time before it had metastasised. I go every six months for mole checks and usually have something removed and biopsied. Sometimes its nothing and sometimes its a little more but I am on top of it. My kids all go for mole checks and they all have had things looked at, and some have had things removed already. I am always confident that we are on top of things and there will be nothing to worry about because I am pretty sure I would blow my dad's teary eyes out of the water if the Doctor ever told me something was wrong with one of my kids and it was something that I could have prevented with sunscreen.


Yesterday I had a Mohs operation on a squamous cell spot right under my left eye. The plastic surgeon I went to did an amazing job and I am keeping his card on file for future reference if you know what I mean!!


I wear hats, sunscreen and sit under umbrellas. I still go to the beach, run outside, garden in the yard and play outdoor sports but I am aware of the dangers and I am protected. Skin cancer kills someone every hour. (I just looked that up, yikes) Keep yourselves and the people you love protected. it is so completely preventable. 

Meditation Anytime, Anywhere.

It is indeed a radical act of love to sit down and be quiet for a time by yourself.-Jon Kabat Zinn

Meditation is just another way of ‘paying attention’. Looking back in my life I think I first started my meditation practice in 10^th grade math class. Completely disinterested in the subject at hand I would sit there looking at the board, bored and go somewhere else. My teacher didn’t appreciate it; she told my mom she thought I was high. HA! I guess I was really good at it.

That wasn’t the best place to start my practice but what it did teach me was that you could meditate anywhere, anytime if you can “go there”.

I use meditation on long walks, runs, bike rides and swims.  You don’t have to be sitting crossed legged in a room with a candle chanting. I can take a few minutes when I am waiting in the doctor’s office, stuck in traffic or any other time that you would generally think, ‘this is a waste of my time’. Instead use that time for a little meditation practice. Can you imagine getting to the DMV and saying “OH YAY! Look at the line!!”

Most people start a meditation practice because they are feeling pain or stress. If this is the case you have an opportunity to say to yourself, I am really thankful that happened to me. If it didn’t I would never have sought out this practice that has changed my life! So the very thing that caused you stress or pain you can now see as a gift that gave you something great for yourself.

Meditation is non denominational. You don’t have to be Buddhist; you can be Catholic, Christian, Jewish or atheist. Everyone can meditate and a form of mediation is already in every religion. Give up the notion that you are going to have an enlightened revelation while meditating. Nothing needs to happen because it has already happened. You have taken some time out of your day to be more mindful and pay attention to your breath. Congratulations, you’re on the road to enlightenment. 

Nurturing the Soul

"When we are surrounded by relationships that nurture us fully, our souls feels safe to grow, create and have the courage to express ourselves fully. Being in a state of nurturing is familiar to our souls; it is from this place that we first enter this world, and it is up to us to safeguard our spiritual selves to remain in a state of nurturing."

—   Madisyn Taylor, DailyOM

What a great quote. If you are lucky, turning 40 (and up!) is quite a gift. It is like overnight you give yourself permission to shed the BS and surround yourself with people that matter. (And if you figure this out before 40, you are waayy ahead of the game! Good for you!) Doing things and going places that make your soul feel good, sounds heavenly doesn’t it? Almost overnight, it’s ok that you may miss the party. Staying in with family or a few good friends sounds so much more fun. Don’t get me wrong; I loves me a good time. But as I age I find what I truly love is the feeling I get when I get to spend time with the people I love and who, I can feel in my soul, really love me to.

I am a kind and polite person so I would never be rude to anyone, but to have the freedom to realize I don’t have to be liked by everyone and be their best friend is liberating.

I remember one time a friend was complaining that a woman she couldn’t stand didn’t invite her to a party she was having. “Can you believe she didn’t invite me?” she asked incredulously. ‘Well,” I replied, “Maybe she knows you don’t like her.” “Well, yeah but what does that have to do with being invited to a party?” She wondered. Hmmmm. Why do we feel the need to have everyone like us, when we know that is virtually impossible?

Our insecurities are what is standing in the way of nurturing our own souls. Fear that other people will see our flaws and imperfections drive us over and over to put ourselves in situations where we are around people that don’t bring out the best in us.

Oh no, if I don’t go to the luncheon, (party, gathering, committee meeting) what will they think of me? Give yourself a break and imagine for a minute that it didn’t matter what people who don’t love you and nurture your soul think because it’s true! And say a prayer for the people in your life who do.

Water Bottles

A friend sent this email out and I thought it was important enough to post.

Cancer Update from Johns-Hopkins

Bottled
water in your car is
very
dangerous!

On the Ellen show, Sheryl Crow said this is what caused her breast
cancer.  It has been identified as the most common cause
of the high levels of dioxin in breast cancer
tissue.

Sheryl
Crow's oncologist told her:
women
should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car.
The
heat reacts with the chemicals in the plastic of the
bottle which releases dioxin into the water.  Dioxin is
a toxin increasingly found in breast cancer tissue.
So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has
been left in a car.  Pass this on to all the women in your
life.

This
information is the kind we need to know that just might save
us!  Use a stainless steel canteen or a glass bottle
instead of plastic!

LET EVERYONE WHO HAS A WIFE / GIRLFRIEND /
DAUGHTER KNOW PLEASE!

This
information is also being circulated at Walter Reed
Army Medical Center
 
No plastic
containers in
microwave.

No
water
bottles in freezer

No
plastic wrap
in microwave.

A dioxin
chemical causes cancer, especially breast
cancer.
 
Dioxins
are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic
bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.  Recently, Edward
Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV
program to explain this health
hazard.
 
He talked
about dioxins and how bad they are for
us.
 
He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using
plastic
containers...
This
especially appli es to foods that contain
fat.

He said that the
combination of fat, high heat,=2 0and plastic releases
dioxin
into the
food and ultimately into the cells of the
body...
Instead, he recommends using
glass, such as   Corning  Ware, Pyrex
or ceramic
containers
for heating food.. You get the same results, only without the
dioxin.
So
such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and
soups, etc.,

should be
removed from the container and heated in something
else.

Paper isn't bad but
you don't know what is in the
paper.

It's just safer to use tempered
glass,    Corning   Ware,
etc..
He
reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food
restaurants moved
0Aaway
from the foam containers to
paper. The dioxin problem is one of the
reasons...

Also, he pointed out
that plastic wrap, such as Saran wrap,
is just as dangerous when
placed
over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the
high
heat
causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and
drip into the food

Cover
food with a paper towel
instead.
This is an
article that should be sent
To anyone important in
Your
life!

One World

Did anyone get a load of Extreme Home Make Over last night? WOW! It was a tearjerker.  Not only did this family have a young son in a wheelchair but the father, who is a local former high school football hero turned high school football coach, has been stricken with ALS. Married to his high school sweetheart his speech was beginning to slur and his fingers curled in atrophy. It brought back a lot of memories of my husband’s dad, Kess, who after a seven year battle, died of the same disease. His legacy lives on though. Before he died he established the Kessenich Family MDA/ALS Center at the University of Miami. The center is an amazing place for medical research and for families who are dealing with what is essentially a death sentence to come and find support and resources that help them get through a sad and frightening time. Kess’s children, family and friends continue to support the center and the doors are still open ten years after Kess has been gone, through generous donations from people who loved him. He instilled in everyone to keep fighting the fight, never give up and keep the center open to help other patients and their families. 

Charity begins at home. I thought with shows like Extreme Makeover and movies like The Blind Side, that it was pretty mainstream that we have to carry each other. I had a funny,(funny strange not ha-ha), experience picking my daughter up at a friend’s house yesterday.

Lovely home, seemingly lovely people. Kids are kind of spoiled but whatever. I think people, in general, try to keep the balance between a nice life and a spoiled one from happening to our kids but, let’s face it, most kids we know today have it pretty easy. So although I don’t agree with spoiled, I understand how it can happen, parents mean well. I have always tried to maintain for my children what my parents said to me, if your friends said lets jump off the Brooklyn Bridge would you do it? I never understood it at the time but I laugh to myself when I hear their words coming out of my mouth repeating the sentiment and look at their puzzled faces. I know, I know, someday you’ll get it.

So I pick my kid up and this mom comes out of her house and starts asking me why my other daughter is not returning to the school next year. I politely say the usual things when you are delicately trying to tell someone why the school they chose for their child is not the school you want for yours, (which by the way, who cares! If it’s right for you be happy with your decision!) “We moved here at an awkward time. She wants to go to school that has a better program for her sport. Her older brother is there.” Yada, yada…

 The mom then says, “I have been looking into other schools myself.” “REALLY?” I respond sitting up in my seat, thinking we are about to bond with what is REALLY the heart of the matter. (That I kind of think that the majority of the people at this school just don’t quite ‘get it’.) “Yes, now tell me if I am missing something but, why do we have so many scholarship kids at this school? Do we pay the high cost of tuition for these kids to come to our school? What is the deal? Shouldn’t we have the best of everything for our own kids before we start paying for kids who quite frankly, if they cant afford it, they shouldn’t be there.”

I stared at her with my mouth agape for a few seconds before I can recover enough to respond, “Well, I think the mission statement of the school is integrity, responsibility, character, community.” She then said, “What does any of that have to do with charity?” Holy mother of God, what did she just say? I tried to explain that we are all members of the community and it is our job to help people who are less fortunate than our selves to have a better life. (The same conversation I had with each of my kids before they went to Nursery school) She said, “Well, I guess your nicer than me!” then she looked across the front seat at my daughter who had spent the day at her house and said, “Thanks for coming over sweetie!” and we pulled away. (I tried not to screech the tires but I may have a little bit).

You can imagine my relief when my 12 year old looked at me and said, “Did she just say what I think she said?? We shouldn’t help people make a better life for themselves?” she asked sounding as dumbfounded as I felt.

Relief flooded through me as I said, “WOW! Yes, that is what she just said!!” Good thing we left, I thought she was going to ask me to go to the local school for the blind and move the furniture around. Unbelievable!

My daughter looked at me in bewilderment. Her eyes pleading to understand. I could not help her out. This is the kid who organized a book drive for Little Flower Children’s Services at her school in the 4^th grade. The kid who has seen her little friends donate their hair to Locks for Love since 1^st grade! She has raced for a cure, baked cookies for a cause, she ‘get’s it’. We raise them with the ideal that it is your civic duty to help your neighbors and fellow man make a better life for them selves, and in turn your life will be better for it. Community service has been a constant in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.  (I wonder if I should add this woman’s name to the list of friends and family who support The Kess center?)

I started to realize that, although thankfully, not the norm for our world, this person could quite possibly represent a large portion of how people think.

When we all understand that if our neighbor is moving in a positive direction and living a happy and more fulfilled life then we all will be. We are only as good as our community. It really is One World and as Bono and Mary J Blige say, we have to carry each other.

CATERING TO VS. CARING FOR

The relationships in our lives are forever changing on us. We have the ability to make the transitions smooth or tumultuous. It is up to us how flexible we are in redefining the roles in our life as we age. Our children grow up and we have to balance not overstepping but always being there for them. Women who we had babies at the same time with and saw everyday for years are still great but the kids are grown so you don’t need the distraction of meeting at the park or calling 10 times during the course of a day. You and your husband don’t have to juggle small kids and talk about travel teams and teacher conferences so go back and reinvent what it was you liked about each other to begin with and don’t forget the amber gestures! And of course there are our parents…..

I recently had an opportunity to grow into the next phase of my role as a daughter. I had been struggling for a long time on being ‘A good daughter’ to my parents and all that it entailed. I was so used to CATERING TO everyone I forgot to CARE FOR myself and everyone around me! There is a difference. Catering to someone will exhaust you and make you resentful. Caring for someone is a loving and nurturing feeling and you will know from the way your body feels, (75 degrees and sunny), that there is a difference.

Kids grow up, people divorce or they don’t, people get sick and hopefully well again and parents, as we all do, grow older. It is an inevitable fact of life. Sometimes the hardest relationship to redefine is the one with your parents. It is difficult to see them age, they sound and look like they always do but are not quite the same. Just as a lot of times it is difficult for them to see you not as ‘the child’ yourself anymore, because of course to them you are and always will be.

We have to keep evolving and reinventing “normal”. I am sure it is not easy for parents to see their children in the role of anything else but belonging to them. Maybe they don’t realize sometimes that juggling your own life is at times, an extremely stressful and complicated thing to do. Because of course they love us more than life as we do our own children.

If you have the opportunity to sit down face to face or pick up the phone and let your parents know, (or anyone you find yourself catering to instead of caring for), We are all doing our best and if we can’t always be what everyone needs us to be 24/7 then we have to take a deep breath, forgive each other our shortcomings and move on. Enjoy the moments we have when we are all-together and allow each other to just be who we are. Let go of our roles from the past. Care for each other instead of cater to someone. Support each other and of course love each other always.

The Mean Teacher

My daughter was having a problem with a teacher at school.  One of those teachers who just doesn’t jive with your child’s personality. At first when she would say, “She hates me”, we would try to convince her that of course she doesn’t hate you. You must be exaggerating; teachers don’t hate their students. Then she would give me a few samples of how she would speak to her in class and I would think, Hmm, it actually doesn’t sound very nice.  We let the teacher know earlier in the year that our daughter was feeling badly and what could we do to make things better. Immediately she responded that she adored our daughter and she felt terrible that she was feeling this way. Things changed for a little while but the tone and comments returned. We then tried explaining this was obviously her personality and while we didn’t understand why she chose to handle certain situations the way she did, we all have to deal with difficult people in life and this was life so take it as providing you with a valuable lesson in how to deal with difficult people. School is almost over so try to get through it.

Then my daughter posed the question to me, “Does that mean I have to let someone treat me badly?” And of course the answer is absolutely not. In light of the brutal and senseless murder of the UVA student who had her whole life ahead of her, only to be cut short because she didn’t speak up that someone was treating her in an unacceptable way, it is more important than ever to teach our children, especially our daughters, that you have to learn how to address any negative or uncomfortable relationships or situations that they are involved in before it escalates to something that is tragic or at the very least, consistently makes you feel badly. Even if the outcome is not the one you were hoping for, the simple act of empowering them to address a problem in a healthy and respectful way does amazing things for their confidence and self-respect.

The moment we changed our attitude from, ‘Your exaggerating’ to ‘I hear what you are saying and it’s not ok, so let’s figure out how to handle it’ the healing had already begun. She went to school with a spring in her step because she was empowered. Maybe this teacher will never change her tune, but the trust we give our children when we look at things from their perspective and say, I have complete trust and faith in you and no matter what, as long as it is in a healthy and respectful way, you can express yourself to me or anyone else and I will have your back. You will have given them a great tool for life, and as parents that is all we can do. Give them the tools and pray that they have learned how to use them.

Just Breathe!

Your deep breath is like an emergency escape hatch you have built into your body. Envision a little glass box with a hammer next to it with a sign that says break in case of emergency and inside that box is your breath. Your breath has the potential ability to take you away from the tension, anxiety and stress of any situation. Envision a ladder that runs through your chakras from your head to your sacrum, you can imagine your breath flowing up and down that ladder through each rung. Breath grounds, supports and re-aligns you.

Breath promotes peace, clarity and harmony. It gives you a sense that you have an energetic connection to the world. Breath is God’s gift of letting us know you are not alone, I am holding you in the palm of my hand and I am giving you peace when you need it regardless of what is going on around you. Almost like breath itself is a prayer.

Sit in a comfortable, quiet place. Begin inhaling and exhaling deeply. Start out with a count of four hold it at the top of your breath for a few seconds and then exhale for the count of four as well. Make your way up to a count of six or more if you can. As you inhale think, “I already have everything I need.” And as you exhale think, “Thank you”.

See if you can do this for 10 minutes. Working your way up to longer periods of time the more you practice.

Through out the day be more mindful of your breath. Just for today whenever you are stuck at a stoplight practice your deep breathing. Not only will you be doing something good for your body, you won’t feel as aggravated in traffic!

Amber Gestures

All of us whether we are married or single are a part of a relationship. (Not just our spouses but also our parents, children and friends all constitute relationship status.) As with any relationship it has to be nurtured and sometimes we forget how important that other person is. How much they really mean to us. It is so easy to get into habitual responses. Wake up, its morning and the routine is starting, it is not my first instinct to put a big smile on my face and greet the world like Susie Sunshine. If we take a moment to breathe we can remember to fit in little amber gestures to the people that mean something to us through out the day.

A smile, a kind word, a loving gesture that doesn’t have to be a dozen roses or expensive anything. It is showing your loved one that you are important and you mean something to me with a warm response. It is not always as easy as you think!

We have had an ongoing battle in our house with the folding of the laundry. My German, very linear husband made a device we have come to call “THE MECHANISM”. It was ruining our marriage. It is a piece of cardboard that you can lay your shirts on and fold the flaps over and create the perfect fold. Yes, it really does work and your end result is a more efficient space saver for your closet. In my world I was totally content with a 5 second manual hand fold. It does the job. It really became this insane argument that I would do the laundry and he would come in and just look exasperated at the folded pile. “You didn’t use the mechanism?” He would ask, his head cocked, shoulders slumped in a ‘I’m so disappointed in this laundry pile, kind of way. “Nope.” I would answer eyebrows up, smirk in place ready for the battle to start. “Why can’t you just use the mechanism?” He would always ask. “Why can’t you understand I am never going to use the freakin mechanism?!” I would begin to lose it. And on and on this went. One day my son was home and he had all his laundry from school and happy as could be that I was able to mommy him for the weekend I happily washed and folded all of his belongings and yes, I used the mechanism. My husband walked in and stopped short, looked at me wide eyed, as I guiltily looked up startled. CAUGHT! I was using the mechanism he had begged me to use for months. Almost in a whisper he said, “You are using the mechanism for him and you wont for me?” Like I was cheating on him. “I am, he needs it folded perfectly for the plane ride back to school.” I replied, avoiding eye contact, completely unapologetic for folding my own son’s laundry. He walked away in defeat and it was soon after that I realized it wasn’t the mechanism; it was that I didn’t want to do that extra mile for him. That he does for me when he cooks a meal with care or rearranges my car so things will be more efficiently in place and within my grasp. “I put the garage remote on the other visor because look when your arm span is extended it just makes more sense to have it on this side rather than crowded over here.” As he demonstrated how fluid and efficient it was with the clicker on the passenger visor and then how crowded and cramped like OJ trying on the glove in court with the clicker directly above my head. This demonstration lasted for a few times before I finally said, “Uh, ok. Thanks.” In his mind, this is an amber gesture and after more than 20 years I am picking up what he is putting down.

It doesn’t have to be ’I LOVE YOU’ in skywriting; it’s just a gesture.

It is not always easy but if you can fit a few amber gestures into your day for your spouse, kids anyone you care about. They will feel so loved and appreciated and that is really at the end of the day all anyone wants out of life, isn’t it? To feel like they are worth something to someone.

Happy Mother's Day

Dr. Weil's Head-to-Toe Wellness Guide

Dr. Weil's Head-to-Toe Wellness Guide

Thank You for the Prayers for Jeff!

Dad is home. Thank you for your prayers. He was (sort of) relieved to find out that his pace maker was in fact faulty and all his hard work in living a healthy, holistic, organic life really was paying off. Got me thinking about my own health. Check out Dr. Weil's website for healthy tips and advice. Peace!

The Art of the Response

                                          

Responsibility broken down is your ability to respond. Life puts us in many different situations. It is our ability to respond to what is happening that is the challenge. When someone “does” something to you or you take something personally do you have the ability to take a few deep breaths and see things through a different lens? Our response creates the quality of our own experience.

We have to ask ourselves what is my intention with this response? What will the effects of my response cause if I say or do this? As well as when you are trying not to react to someone else’s actions. If you can see things through a different lens you may be able to see where they are coming from, are they hurt, scared? How can your response change a situation?  

The answer may sound simple because it is. We can change the quality of our experience with our breath. We can’t always control our minds. Things pop up and we say, ‘where did that come from?’ and we can push it away or blurt it out but we can always control our breath. You know from someone’s breath if they are angry, scared, at rest or in motion. If you learn to take a few minutes and breath deeply and get your heart rate down, you will be able to keep blood flowing to your appendages (including your head), and you will be able to make clear, authentic decisions and the quality of your responses will be more authentic and not fear based.

I feel like this is especially important to teach to our children. We look around us and this world is becoming a scarier place to live by the day. We have to teach them to be empowered enough to stand up for themselves in any situation. Being confident and assertive in a healthy and respectful way, to themselves and to others.  If we teach them the art of the response at a young age then we can avoid difficult and even tragic situations in the future.

INSPIRATION MIX

Be Not Afraid

Take a moment for yourselves. Read the lyrics. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes, take another deep breath and feel peace.

You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.


You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands, and all will understand, you shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I shall give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters in the sea, you shall not drown. If you walk amidst the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the power of hell and death is at your side, know that I am with you, through it all

Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I shall give you rest.

Blessed are your poor, for the Kingdom shall be theirs. Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of me, blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I shall give you rest.

Pray For Jeff

My Dad is a great guy. He is very smart and well read and interesting, he loves to laugh and even laughed so hard at a party two years ago he had a heart attack and died and was revived all for a great joke, (he says it was totally worth it.) He is kind and nice and literally would do anything for anyone that asked him something. He marches to his own drum, (ok, he’s kinda weird) and always has but taught me everything I need to know. I grew up watching John Wayne movies, where I learned do unto others as you would have others do unto you, (for awhile I thought John Wayne was the first person who made that up.) Bob Newhart Show, laughter is the best medicine. We had long talks about poems by Robert Frost and different religions and history. Honesty, Hard work, integrity. He taught me to play baseball and about sportsmanship. When I was 9 he bought me a book called Siddhartha by Herman Hesse about the man who was to become Buddha. I was like really? I'm pretty sure 9 year olds don't read this stuff? I would much rather just watch Laverne and Shirley and can’t you just buy me Gloria Vanderbilt jeans like everyone else, we are so WEIRD! Looking back now, I wouldn’t change a thing.

My Dad, Jeff Frank, is back in St. Francis hospital today. (The best place for heart patients, he is so lucky to be there!) His defibrillator is faulty and it went off 8 times yesterday.  If you know anyone with a defib, you know that the shock it gives to your system when it goes off it is equivalent to (according to my Dad), being struck by a lightening bolt. He hits the deck every time and it is very painful. However, he is blessed and this is why I say that and so would he.

The first time it went off yesterday he was taking his daily constitutional around his neighborhood, he fell straight to the ground unable to move. His ex brother in law, Bruce, happened to be working at a house in the neighborhood Dad was taking his walk in and saw him laying on the side of the road. He stopped and called 911 and then my Dad who was conscious at this point asked him to call his sister Mary. For some reason he couldn’t get a hold of Mary so Bruce called his daughter Susie at home who happens to be an EMT person. Ambulance is on the way, Susie calls my stepmother Jessie and tells her, her father is on the side of the road with Jeff, police are there, ambulance on the way they will be taking him to Southampton Hospital so call Mary. Jessie calls Mary and Mary goes to see her brother straight away. Jessie calls me to tell me my Dad is on his way to the hospital and I am like, “Is he ok and by the way, how do you know?” Everyone was in the right place at the right time.

Some would say he is unlucky that he has all of these problems but how great is it that not only was he discovered quickly but by people who care and have an energetic connection to him? Even the policemen who came to the scene were the same guys who had responded to the 911 calls when my Dad previously went down, so now they were old friends. My friend Maribeth’s father in law and aunt have a connection to St.Francis and they ask about him and the people at the hospital are connected. (After my father’s last visit there he wrote a book called, The Angels of St .Francis, about the excellent care he got there by all the wonderful people who work there and are affiliated with the hospital) So, I am happy that everyone was where he or she was meant to be and dad will be back in action soon. Say a prayer and I will say one for you today as well. Peace!

COURAGE is Endurance for One Moment More

An Unidentified Marine during the Vietnam War once said, “Courage is endurance for one moment more.” One minute more, can you hang on for one minute more?

I once told my friend Maryellen, who happens to be the proud mother of a United States Marine, you can do anything for one more minute. I didn't know I was quoting a wartime Marine. Just like lowering your gaze to see one obstacle at a time instead of a horizon of obstacles. One thing at a time, one minute more, hang in there, you can do it.  Courage to face the next thing, one moment at a time.

I participated in the Mighty Montauk Triathlon a few years ago. A race, as far as I know, made popular by Timmy Coughlin who has inspired hundreds of people from serious athletes to weekend warriors to participate in this event. His motto was Work Hard/Play Hard and he embodied this philosophy heart and soul before his life was tragically taken, along with so many other outstanding people we knew and loved, in the terrorist attacks of 9/11. The Tri challenges the athlete’s body and mind and it was a great accomplishment for my bucket list and I did it! (Don’t know if I will ever do that again but…)  His wife Maura Coughlin-Roberti and her husband Billy continue on the tradition to this day as well as many friends and family members of Timmy’s and it has become the unofficial Timmy Coughlin Tri for those in the know for sure. A friend of mine who had done it for years, was being very encouraging to me when he heard I was going to attempt to challenge myself by entering the race. “What will be the hardest part for you?” I said, “definitely the swim”. He said, “Ok, so when you get in the water don’t look at the 6 buoys in the horizon because a half-mile out to sea looks far. Look at the first buoy you have to swim to, then when you get there look at the next one, and so on. Before you know it you will be counting them down on your way back and then all you will have to do is bike 25 miles and run a 10K.” I extinguished my cigarette in my martini glass and thanked him for the advice.

Cut to race day. I was so nervous I couldn’t believe it. I had spent the night with my friend Cathleen and she was a great calming presence. I got down to the beach where I met Maura who had been so encouraging and supportive of me from the start of my training; I could not have gotten through it without her love and advice. We took a picture together and she looks as cool as a cucumber and I look like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. We get in the water waist high with our numbers on our caps ready for the gunshot to begin the swim. Luckily for me it was so foggy that morning that I had to take Mark’s advice because you could only see 1 buoy at a time. While standing waist high in the murky cold water Cathleen introduced me to a friend of hers and just as the gun goes off I hear this chick ask me, “Is your wetsuit on inside out?” AHHH!! What? No time to panic, start swimming! The entire time I am thinking, I wonder if I’m sinking in this grey cold water because my stupid wetsuit is on inside out? I eventually stagger to shore 35 minutes later on legs made of Jell-O. Not a great time but, great for me! I completed the remaining two legs of the event slowly but steadily. As I ran around the bend with my friend Marilyn who could have dusted me but she was so supportive and stayed with me for the last leg of the run and we saw the finish line I knew all I had to do was keep going for one minute more and the greatest physical achievement, (besides giving birth), would be waiting for me. I knew I was going to do it! I saw my Dad, my husband Mark, my friend Jen, all cheering me on. And then I saw my son and two youngest daughters standing there cheering their mom to keep going and I saw the pride in their eyes and it gave me the courage to run a little faster for that last moment of the race and finish strong. “Courage is endurance for one moment more”. This pertains to everything in life not just the physical challenges we face but our emotional, mental and spiritual challenges as well. Have the courage to hold on one moment more, that will lead to the next moment and the next. You can do it, if you just have the courage to hold on.

OM NO!

                                                       

 I may live in sunny Florida but I still buy the NY Post to keep my finger on the pulse of what is going on up north. I laughed when I saw the latest headline ‘OM NO! Meet NYC’s Nastiest Yoga Guru.’ The article is all about this Bikram yoga teacher who yells and bullies his clients to go deeper into postures. Like the soup Nazi from Seinfeld some are calling him the Yoga Nazi. No Zen for you! He maintains that he knows he is not for everyone but he is for A-types and athletes who want to be pushed and worked hard. He doesn’t apologize for his tough exterior and says, “I’m not in the business of being nice.” I think it is terrific. 

Everyone is different and everyone has their own style and preferences of how and why they like the things they do. Who is anyone to say, ‘Your not doing it right’. There is a blog out there called ‘yeah dave’. Dave writes about yoga for foodies. He leads his class and then afterwards everyone sticks around for wine and a great meal. What a great idea! You can have 10 yoga studios in one area and 100 people could have 100 opinions on why they love their studio the most and they would all be right.

I myself got into yoga when I was looking for a way to de-stress and relax my young children. I quickly found out it was something I truly loved and I stuck with it. When my youngest went to Kindergarten I started working towards my certification. I never really knew what I was going to do with it but it was cool to have.

I was intimidated to teach at first. I felt like I couldn’t really ‘teach’ because I didn’t wear the traditional yoga costume. When I think yoga costume, two things come to mind. One is the 70’s yoga lady from early morning television with the plain light blue leotard and the long braid down her back, face scrubbed and make up free and she is very soft spoken. The other costume I think of is the take no prisoners, jacked arms, side crow holding, vegan, let me show you how I can do these poses better than you yogi elitist. (Also known as “Yogier than thou” type people.)

I definitely fell somewhere in between these two. Slowly but surely with the support of my friends and family I got the nerve to start teaching. I realized very quickly that I really did have something to offer. I learned a great lesson very early on when I taught one of my first classes and a woman came in and immediately went front and center with her mat. I began the class and about 3 postures in I realized that this woman could out maneuver me with one arm tied behind her back. I would demonstrate a beginner variation of a headstand she would go ahead and take it up to a full headstand. I was demonstrating bridge and she took it up to wheel with one leg raised. I thought I was in an SNL skit. All I could do was say, “Oh good for you! Wheel is fine if you want to move on like this young lady, that’s good too.” My voice trailing off and in my head all I was thinking was, “maybe they are hiring at Bloomingdales.”

I managed to keep it together and outwardly I appeared like I hadn’t skipped a beat, (I asked a few friends if they could tell I wanted to push her over while she was in her perfect headstand and they said no) it was a great lesson for me to have very early on.  We are all different and a true yogi is ok with that and accepting of that. This woman had a beautiful practice and it didn’t mean that because hers was so advanced mine stunk. I may never be able to put my head between my legs and kiss my own ass, (do I still sound bitter?) But my practice is just that, its mine. The beauty of yoga is that it is whatever you want it to be and you are a real yogi, wether you can hold a scorpion pose or you need more blankets, bolsters and pillows to just sit on the floor with your legs crossed, if you keep an open mind and an open heart and let your fellow yogi’s do whatever feels right to them. Can you imagine how nice it would be if we could learn to be as accepting of each other in everyday life and not just in the studio? Just like side crow, its something to strive for.