Forward

Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence.

-Pope John Paul II

Moving on. Packed up, moved out and closed, on to the next thing. After almost two years in our current home we sold our house and are downsizing from our downsize. When we first came to Florida I must admit, I came here from suburbia life clawing and scratching to keep things as they were. Nothing must change! With change comes the unknown and even if the known is not so great at least we already know it.

My husband, who is always, sometimes maddeningly so, himself, like him or not he is 100 percent his authentic self, and as he says, he is not for everyone, (but I admit he is for me.) In every aspect of his life, what you see is what you get. He tried to fit smoothly into the round hole I had created for us. But we are square pegs and he knew it and after awhile he couldn’t choke it down anymore and he said, “I gotta go. Let’s try something new.”

 We have been together for a long time and I am a team player so I said, “Sure, let’s go.” Not realizing then that the hardest most introspective times of my life were lying in wait to pounce on me like prey. I packed up New York and headed for sunny weather.

We moved our family with a kid in college, a kid in prep school, one going into ninth grade and one in sixth. Everyone said, “That is so great, I wish we could be so flexible…but you know, the kids.” Yeah, I know I have four kids too. I have found that going against the grain works for us and each new experience weaves new texture into our already colorful tapestry. We thrive on moving forward, even if at times it may feel like a step back. However, I have faith that we are blessed and everything we go through in life is a necessary step to prepare us for something else. Watch Steve Jobs commencement speech from Stanford. He talks about life experiences that seemed completely random were in fact actually all dots that connected to enable him to do what he did.

 Our belief that we knew in our gut that this was a good move for our family was reinforced at the time by our daughter who would be entering high school in a new state when she said, “I’ll try it, I know you always do what is right for us.” Gulp, I do? And off we went.

The first year here was not an easy one. We went from one end of the spectrum in every aspect of our lives to the opposite. We left community, comfort, and familiarity all for the unknown.

I had made busy work of my life up north and never had a moment of downtime to suddenly I was down two kids, half the responsibilities and a whole lotta social life. It got real quiet and I was not ok with that at first. I searched around for the root of this feeling of discomfort I was now living with on a regular basis. I didn’t know at the time that discomfort is your spirits way of telling you a change is coming. I began to make excuses and lay blame on anyone and everything for my unhappiness. The only person I didn’t blame was myself.

Something was not quite right. But it must be someone else’s fault.

I told my hub a few months in, all right NOW I know what will make me happy. All I need is a house of my own and I will feel better because then I will feel like I have solid ground under my feet and a place for all my things and my kids will have a home here and its all I need. Just like that movie The Jerk, that and this ashtray, paddle game, remote control, matches, lamp and this chair and that’s all I need. I laughed at the absurdity when I watched that movie but the irony was lost on me at the time.

So we bought a house and fixed it up and made it feel like home. While that was happening I was simultaneously moving away from my old norms and moreys. Being on my own, I started to enjoy the quiet that at first I feared. In that space I started to think for myself for the first time, well probably ever. I went from a kid to a wife and mother in one crazy year. I didn’t have time to understand and know myself. When my friends were spending their twenties learning about who they were or were about to be, I was running a household for a family of 6. When I was younger I thought what my family thought and then I spent a few years to overwhelmed to think beyond how long is a Barney episode, do I have time to shower? I evolved to hanging out with a nice group of people and morphed into thinking along with what my friends thought and now finally I was breaking off from the pack and understanding that when I heard or said something that didn’t feel right I felt it in my body literally. So much so that my throat would feel like it was choking, that was my instincts talking to me. I was just trained to put on a pretty smile and ignore it till it went away tempered down in the depths of my soul, (not to be melodramatic but down there deep anyway.) because I was a good girl, and that is how good girls survive in the world until they learn better if they ever do.

I was suddenly learning to listen to what I was trying to tell myself all along. I started to let go of so many what ifs and what would they think and started to embrace the who cares? It is all smoke and mirrors anyway. I started to view my possessions and my house, my geography, my family in a whole new light. I went from holding onto everything with white knuckles to keeping my hands. heart and mind wide open. 

Our youngest will be leaving for prep school in the fall so we suddenly find ourselves having an empty nest and with that comes this freedom we never experienced on the front end. We put the house on the market, got rid of a lot of as George Carlin calls it, “stuff”, found a little apartment on the intercoastal and traded in a dining room table for a paddle board. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. We are fortunate that we still have a home base on Long Island where our family can come together. Who knows, maybe we will end up where we started, living back there full time someday. I know enough to know that I have no idea. I realize now I never did but now I am ok with that. John Lennon was right  “Life is what happens while your busy making other plans.”

Absolutely nothing has changed except my perspective. Instead of resentment I feel gratitude for my husband needing to try something new. Not something I freely admit because it is really hard to be the wise one when he is constantly teaching me things. Dammit!

Someone said to me in a recent exchange on Facebook of all places, there are no obstacles, only opportunities for spiritual growth. Which I agree with wholeheartedly except I propose that there are obstacles and it is up to you to recognize that you can either fight them kicking and screaming and make your life and those you love more difficult. OR…you can accept the obstacles that come your way as an opportunity to learn something about your spirit. You may not be for everyone, but that is ok. We all can’t be for everyone, but you are for the ones that matter.