Life in Balance

Courage is grace under pressure. –Ernest Hemingway

Does the lid feel like it’s about to blow? Tension and anxiety appear to be building and people seem to be looking for answers but it doesn’t sound as if they know what the questions are.

If we are all somehow energetically connected, like a grid, as I believe, then I think we are experiencing a brown out. This amorphous dissatisfaction seems to be the common thread among most people. We are in desperate need of balance, but how do we get it?

What does being balanced even feel like? If we don’t know what we are looking for, how will we know when and if we get it?

 I stumbled upon, (literally), a great blog yesterday called Self Improvement Saga, one entry was entitled, “Vibrational Frequency and the Law of Allowing”  (http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2r8y16/blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2011/05/law-of-allowing-vibrational-frequency/)

In it the author asks you to answer the following questions:

1)    Write down the 5 things you want out of life.

2)    What feeling or benefit comes along with each of these answers?

So let’s take some obvious goals anyone could want.

1) Be healthier

2) Be happier

3) Be more successful in my relationships

4) Attain professional success

5) Have financial freedom

By attaining any or all of these I will feel accomplished, confident, happier and whole.

Then the next step would be to ask your self the question, “What do I have to do to accomplish these things?” First off I would have to look inward and ask myself out loud, what is keeping me from having all of this?

Well, if I am being honest with myself (which is KEY) than I know the only thing that is keeping me from fulfilling my dreams is, well, me. I have to learn to get out of my own way to get what I want. Does that sound selfish? To actually get what you want? We have been trained to not think that way.  What do you mean your doing what is best for you?! How rude, who do you think you are?

What is better, not getting what you want because it is socially acceptable to do what everyone else wants you to do?  Or doing what is right in order for you to achieve your wildest dreams? (And BTW, there is a difference between working hard to achieve your dreams and being arrogant and demanding things you don’t deserve. There is no justification for entitlement.)

Everyone deep down knows what they have to do to make their lives better. They just choose to hang on to the default setting of, “It's not my fault, it's not fair, I don’t feel like it today, maybe just one more, if he/she didn’t do….then I wouldn’t have to do….” Sometimes the answers are really difficult to hear spoken out loud. We avoid saying them, desperate to keep the secret of what it really will take. but we are only fooling ourselves.

Maybe being in balance will change nothing but your perspective and how you see your situation But maybe that is all you need to have a better life.

Go into the ‘settings’ and change the default. Accept responsibility and accountability that everything we get in life is coming to us because one way or another we attracted it.

I am saying this not because my life is perfect and I have everything I want. I am saying this because I try to reset the default button everyday in hopes that someday my muscle memory will make the right decisions by default. I know everything I need to do to have everything I need.  As my friend Pat says, It is time to stop looking at the vitamin bottle on the counter top and just take one already. So true!

So here is what you do.

Listen to your intuition. Like I used to say to my teenage children before they went out on a Saturday night, “Jiminy Cricket!” And that meant, “Always let your conscience be your guide". Listen to that voice in your head, it speaks the truth! You already know what to do.

Practice yoga and/or some form or another of meditation. It doesn’t have to be hard-core Ashtanga or Bikram yoga and you don’t have to live in an Ashram.

An easy, restorative, therapeutic yoga practice will help your body create what Bo Forbes in his book “Yoga for Emotional Balance” calls, neuroplasticity, which is basically muscle memory for your nervous system. Return to who you really are. When you practice this even for a short time everyday your nervous system will say “Oh yeeaahh. I remember you! Haven’t seen you in years but this natural, relaxed and balanced state is who you really are!” Running and doing serious cardiovascular workouts are extremely beneficial, but I think turning inward and being gentle and kind with yourself is going to connect you to the balance you seek.

Practice breathing. Sounds crazy! Why would we practice something that we do all day long, even unconsciously?

Believe it or not, most people typically breathe short and shallow breaths rather than  deep breaths from the belly. To practice belly breathing you put your hands on either side of your rib cage and breath deeply and evenly through your nose and feel your rib cage expanding on the inhale and contracting on the exhale. By doing so you are stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system. This is the “rest and digest” system. This calms everything down and when you practice this everyday, than when something truly stressful appears in your life you will have this tool to go to automatically.

When you mouth breath and your shoulders move up to your ears on the inhale you are shallow breathing. This type of breathing stimulates the sympathetic nervous system, or the “fight or flight response”.  Of course this is vital to our existence on the planet but your body, not only responds to danger through this system but also stress, fear, depression, anger and sadness can trigger the sympathetic system. So when an intruder breaks into your home or you run into a bear in the woods you want that fight or flight response. But when your spouse or partner annoys you or you are in traffic, or in any situation where stress can be triggered its best to learn how to control your breathing thus helping you to control your emotional response to everyday life. Your ability to respond is your responsibility!

Every single person on the planet holds within them the key to living in balance. And it is balance for all human beings, that is our birthright, that will end the feeling of living in this simmering pot.

Have faith and keep an open mind. It is like everything else that is worthwhile you have to have a dedicated practice to be in balance. It doesn’t happen overnight but if you keep it going, one night it will happen.


Just like the vitamins, it is sitting right in front of you. Go ahead, take one already.

Science Vs. Spirituality

Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts. -Albert Einstein.

A few weeks ago I was in New York City for the weekend to attend a Medical Reiki seminar. The class was led by Pamela Miles, (www.reikiinmedicine.org). Ms. Miles is the author of REIKI: A Comprehensive Guide, an invaluable reference tool for Reiki practitioners who would like to express their practice in a more professional and less ‘out there’ way. I highly recommend this seminar to anyone who practices Reiki.

As I like to do, I wrote a blog about my experience after the weekend was over. I was really trying to keep it clean and precise. I ended up writing a piece I was not connected to because that is what I thought you had to do when writing about science or medicine. In an effort to keep it clinical, I ended up making it sterile and I was nowhere to be found.

I sent a draft to Pamela Miles. I was the eager student hoping for the teacher’s approval, but this was not to be. She sent my piece back to me with constructive criticisms and suggestions. I took her advice as she intended it and was not emotionally attached to what she said. (A daily Reiki practice is ironically how I was able to not take the criticism of my Reiki writing personally!) The line that struck me the most was, “Where are you in this piece?”  Hmmmm. Good question, where was I?

I decided to put the blog on the back burner and leave it alone for a while. In the weeks that followed I went about my business of setting up my new office and getting organized. Doing reading or research in the mornings led me to some interesting findings. Without even realizing it I found myself being drawn to articles and books about, of all things Science. I was googling scientists and reading everything I could find that would pose a question between science vs. spirituality.

I would say most people at one time in their lives have thought, even for a fleeting moment, what is the meaning of life and why are we here? Since that question can never truly be answered or measured or proved scientifically, does it mean it doesn’t exist?  If we agree that the question exists than I suppose it is possible to entertain the notion that “we just don’t know”, could be the answer?

We do know the Earth existed long before man did. Man arrived and the quest for knowledge was born. Stephen Hawking once said the only thing he doesn’t understand and wants to know more about are women! It is interesting that up to now evolution has been male driven and we are emerging into an age of seeing things from a more feminine evolutionary standpoint. 

Meaning, if the masculine side essentially comes from strength and the female side from goodness then human beings must have a balance of these two sides of themselves in order to help each other live whole lives regardless if they are a man or a woman.

The more balanced a person feels, the more they are apt to have the confidence to help others achieve balance in their lives as well. If you are out of balance then you have a tendency to want to dominate someone instead of helping them live to their fullest potential.  

The Medical Reiki Seminar piqued my interest into seeing things from a more logical perspective. Essentially helping to balance the yin to my yang.

With a heightened interest in science I realized I could see my Reiki practice in a whole new light. Connecting Reiki and Medicine you could potentially have an experience that would be much more meaningful to both sides.

Reiki is a putative therapy, meaning there is absolutely nothing about it that can be proved scientifically. Yet I know from first hand experience the benefits Reiki can bring you physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Richard Feynman who was a brilliant scientist and bongo player, among other things, once said, “It is much more interesting to have doubt and to not know answers.”  

I am all for making life more interesting. We may not get all the answers but let’s never stop asking the questions.

GOLF, YOGA AND REIKI

“A leading difficulty with the average player is that he totally misunderstands what is meant by concentration.  He may think that he is concentrating hard when he is just merely worrying.”  Robert Trent Jones (world famous course designer)

I can’t say that I would consider myself a golfer (although I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!).  I did, however, marry one over two decades ago and have picked up a few things over the years by osmosis.  While my husband is an avid golfer, I am as equally avid a yoga enthusiast.  I became a teacher when my youngest went to school full-time, and I quickly saw the benefit golfers would get from regular yoga practice.  I started to focus on figuring out how to get the typical golfer “on the mat” - a feat easier said than done for most golfers. I use a non judgmental approach, in language anyone can understand, and set to music your average golf Joe (or anyone for that matter) would enjoy listening to.

 I would notice upon my return from a yoga retreat and my husband would get home from a golf trip, that he and I both came away with very similar stories to tell - and comparable feelings were conjured up during our time away doing our respective “thing.”  (Minus the after hour dice rolling that never really picked up on the yoga trips.)

I knew there were books written on the spirituality of golf but not understanding the true essence of the game, I didn’t understand the comparisons.  I knew honesty, integrity, and character were a part of my husband’s personality and the way we raised our family and tried to make it part of our golden rule.  But I didn’t realize that it was these very traits that attracted him to the game in the first place. (I honestly thought it was the fact that when we had small children it was a good excuse to be gone for six hours on a Saturday morning. That’s how long it takes, right??  Just kidding.)  It is the only “game” where you first learn how to conduct yourself on the course and then you learn the rules of play.  Just as when I am on my mat, I have to let go of comparing myself to the yogi next to me and be non-judgmental of my own practice as well as others.  In golf, you’re not really playing to beat another person.  On the contrary, being supportive of your fellow players is commonplace on the golf course - you’re playing to lower your last score.

As in yoga, it’s not just the difficult posture that makes you a yogi, it is your mindset. Do good and be good is the essence of a yogic life. In your mind’s eye think of an image of a violin string. It is necessary in both golf and yoga to be, like the string, extremely strong in body and mind yet extremely flexible in both as well.

There is a certain amount of dignity and confidence one feels when standing at address and in Mountain Pose - strong, calm and relaxed. Gaze is sure but soft. It is a warrior posture that conveys focus, composure, and commitment to what you are about to do.

The trick here is keeping the commitment your mind has made to hit your shot - and then letting go of what you think or expect the results to be. Good or bad, the expectation of the outcome is what will “get in your head.”  If there was a way to play the game while practicing disattachment to the result everyone would not only have a lot less anxiety and fear about hitting their next shot but they just may enjoy their round a little more as well.  After all -you don’t play golf to relax, you relax so you can play golf.

This is where the Reiki comes in.  

I describe Reiki as a life balancing vibrational healing practice that engages our own body’s ability to self-heal physically, emotionally and spiritually.  My husband calls it “forced meditation.”  To receive Reiki you lie on a Reiki (or massage) table fully-clothed as the practitioner lays hands at different points on your head, torso, and feet.  You then turn over and repeat on the back while face down.  Sounds simple enough - and it is.  To describe the feeling you get from this simple-yet-miraculous Reiki treatment, I often ask the client to think of their favorite weather.  What does that weather feel like?  Where are you during this weather?  For me, it is 75 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze.  I am at the beach, looking out at the ocean and I am calm and relaxed and all is right with the world.  This is the feeling Reiki gives me.  The reason why my husband calls Reiki “forced meditation” is because Reiki usually allows the recipient to achieve a certain amount of relaxation rather quickly.  Unlike trying to quiet the mind during meditation Reiki seems to “work” a lot faster.  Although no two treatments are exactly alike, Reiki is always working and meeting the recipient where they are and giving them what they need. The effects of a treatment linger with you, sometimes for days. Perceptions can start to shift, a better night’s sleep can be had - but mostly an overall sense of “feeling better” occurs.  Reiki comes from a Japanese word that translates to “universal life force”.  It realigns the natural energy that runs through our bodies.  Because Reiki is so hard to explain, the best way to understand it is to experience it first hand.  It can be quite miraculous.

What Reiki can do for the golfer?   Simple: Enable them to not only have a better understanding of ‘letting go’ to the outcome of a shot, and also enable them to go to their pro with a ‘Beginners Mind’ - an empty cup so to speak.  This is not forgetting the knowledge you have accumulated in learning the game over the years, but being open and not bogged-down with thoughts of “Whenever I hit my tee shots I ALWAYS do this…” It gives you the spiritual stamina you need to put your last shot where it belongs, in the past and stay in your game in the present.  Free of worry, anxiety, stress and fear.

So take the time before your next round to do a few things: First, make a 3 to 5 song playlist and STRETCH.  You won’t mind doing it if it’s to music that you want to hear and that you have an emotional connection to.  Secondly, BREATHE…deeply and evenly, deep-belly breaths so your belly extends on the inhale and contracts on the exhale. Do this 10 times before your round begins.  (If you can remember, try to take one full breath in and one full breath out and then walk up to address your ball on every shot.) Third and foremost: If at all possible, try to find a reputable Reiki practitioner in your area.  You may find that it may not be for you - but I have certainly never heard of someone being sorry they tried it.  Your own body’s ability to self-heal could be that trick shot you can always pull out of your bag – and it was in there all along!

Listen Up.

If you can't hear the angels, try quieting the static of worry.  ~Terri Guillemets

Synchronicity, coincidence, chance, luck, twist of fate? There are many words for the phenomena’s that occur everyday but that we only really take notice when we are paying close attention.

Did you ever find yourself thinking of someone and then the phone rings and it’s them? Happens all the time right? Forget your keys in the house and run back in, only to just miss an accident that you would have been involved in if you had left on time?

Maybe these events are just merely happenstance. Who really knows for sure?  Maybe its just dumb luck.

Do we have faith that our cell phone can shoot some sort of invisible beam into the sky and it bounces off a satellite and we can call half way around the world in 10 seconds and make it sound like we are standing next to the person we are calling? Why yes, of course we do. We don’t know how it works because we aren’t all scientists but why wouldn’t we blindly believe that this invisible thing that we don’t fully understand works? It’s a scientific fact!

Yet when we have a “gut” instinct that turns out to be true, well that’s just a fluke. Why? Because someone we don’t know and have never met who wears a lab coat didn’t prove it? I think we are smarter than that. Learn to trust your instincts. Your body doesn’t lie to you. Learn to listen to what it is telling you. It can tell you the truth long before your mind can. Instinct can save your life. When the hair on the back of your neck stands up straight when something scares you and you remove yourself. How do you explain, “I just knew I had to get out of there.” How did you know? A friend of ours had a seizure while driving recently. His car went through the window of a popular bakery of mother’s and kids at 7am in the morning, but the day before there had been a fire and the bakery was closed for the day for minor repairs. Is that just lucky or is there a guardian angel that worked hard to make that accident a lot less painful than it could have been.

I was driving in the car the other day with my husband on our way to my daughter’s parent’s weekend at school. I had just read a book by Lorna Byrne called Angels In My Hair. It’s a book about how this woman in Ireland sees and speaks to angels. Believe what you want, who knows if she does or if she doesn’t. It was still a good story regardless. So I started telling my husband about it and he was sort of half listening to me. He was driving along in quiet reflection. He had told me the night before how he was thinking about his dad who had passed away 10 years before and how he would be so proud of our daughter and what she was up to and how he wished he could be here to see it. So we are driving along and I’m telling him about the book and then a song comes on the radio and he says, “This is one of my Dad’s favorite songs!” Oh, that’s nice, I said. (Hello, I am talking about Angels and the signs they give when they are near, can you please stay focused??)

 So I keep going with my story and the next song comes on and again my husband is excitedly saying, “He loved this one too!”  The next three songs that proceeded to come on could have been taken from my father in law's “playlist” he would have had if he were alive for iPods.  While chatting, I was simultaneously playing a word scramble on my phone. (Talk about doing everything we possibly could to keep from being still and quiet!)  all of the sudden the board reboots and the three letters in the center spelled my father in law’s name. And it finally hit me. He was there. He was bashing us over the head trying to tell us, but he was there! Can I prove it? Nope! Do I believe it, sure, why not? I certainly can’t prove or disprove it. But to think that we have angels among us is a pretty comforting thought. How often do we ask for "a sign" and then we get it and we say, "well, give me a better one." Huh? Trust your instincts!

Since then I have been trying to see if I can notice the whispers, see the synchronicities and recognize the “lucky” things that happen. I have kind of made it a game of how many times “something” happens. It is actually an amazing experiment!

Having a regular Reiki session, meditation practice or just making time everyday to sit quietly can enable you to be more “in tune” to the subtleties of these twists of fate. Granted we got a message loud and clear with a ton of distractions, but if this is a subject that interests you try Reiki or sit in meditation or just try sitting in nature minus the iPod for just a few minutes a day. Breath deeply and evenly and just listen to the sound of your breath moving in and out and feel yourself relaxing and connecting to what is meaningful on a deeper level. I believe a regular practice of any of these kinds of modalities will let you in on the nuances of noticing the synchronicities, thus enabling you to establish a deeper body, mind and spirit connection.

Don’t believe it? That’s ok, you don’t have to. Who knows what to believe? I can’t prove how my cell phone calls China either, but it do!

10 Years

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

- Mohandas Gandhi (Mahatma Gandhi)

I remember being in the parking lot of the WHB Nursery School that morning. It was our youngest daughter’s first day and it was only an hour so the mom’s all got coffee and hung out to chat. For some reason we had the radio on and all of the sudden it sounded like War of the Worlds. The announcer was yelling and confused and scared. I called my friend who is married to my husband’s cousin. (Before 9/11 we didn’t really know where our family and friends worked, it was always just “He’s downtown.” Now you sort of know where everyone works and its information we tuck away but hang onto just in case.) She was crying when she answered and said “Michael is gone. Pray Michelle gets home safely.” I sank to my knees in the parking lot and cried. Her brother in law, my husband’s other cousin and our daughter MJ’s godfather worked at Cantor and was killed along with all of his co-workers. His wife worked at Amex and she eventually made it home to their baby son Matthew. Life as we knew it was over. As the day went on more and more of our friend’s names were added to the list of the dead or still missing at that point. But they were all gone.

I remember the clearest blue skies I had ever seen in the days that followed. I remember a monarch butterfly migration that happened that September. Thousands of butterflies were everywhere. It was amazing. Around that time I read an article in Vanity Fair that said after WWII was over the people who liberated the concentration camps in Europe reported that all over the barracks in several different countries carvings of butterflies were found. Those who were about to transition had instinctively carved them in Russia, Germany and Poland.

I remember driving on the LIE in October and someone beeped his or her horn and my husband looked at me and said, “It’s over.” Meaning that feeling of being united and standing together stronger than we were before against a common enemy was ending and people were already going back to the old ways. Road rage still existed. We just forgot about it for a little while.

We have watched a lot of children grow up without their father’s. A lot of widows try, and hopefully succeed in moving on with their lives.

Nothing will ever be the same after that day. We think of it in terms of before and after. We were the generation that didn’t grow up with any real threat. The Berlin wall went down in the 80’s. Who besides the Russian’s could ever hurt us?

We mourn the loss of dear friends when we see their children and grandchildren and know they are watching from somewhere. Just not physically here with us. My husband just said to me the other day, I still try not to cry everyday thinking about the boys. Ten years later, the heartbreak is still just below the surface.

The thing I learned the most was even when the scariest thing we can possibly imagine happens, life goes on. Tremendous joy is somehow able to simultaneously live beside extreme heartbreak. The sun still rises and sets no matter what. People still beep their horns, babies are born, people find out they have cancer and get married and divorced. Life continues on. But we are stronger than we think and we already have everything we need within us. Just when the caterpillar thought it’s life was over, it turned into a butterfly.

I Think My Horse Hates Me.

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” Carl Jung

I am not going to sit here and pretend that living in the summertime on the east end of Long Island, NY isn’t amazing because it really is. We have some of he most beautiful beaches in the world, family and friends around. BBQ’s, margaritas the sun filled days and starry-skied nights. We are lucky and we know it.

However that doesn’t mean that even surrounded by the natural beauty that we have all around us we don’t lose sight of all the things we have to be grateful for.

Our health, loved ones, their health. I think that pretty much sums up the biggies. If we could wake up like Jimmy Stewart everyday and realize the world is a better place because we are in it and all you need is love what a wonderful world this would be! (I know two songs in one sentence, I’m so original.)

Sadly we get side tracked and forget very quickly how lucky we are and the ego pokes its ugly head out and we start to get further away from what is real and start to buy into the illusion of what is not.

My friend Allyson has a friend Maura who upon hearing someone’s ridiculous complaint about something inane, (ice cubes in their margarita to cold perhaps?) She coined what has now become a catch phrase for the summer, “And to top it all off I think my horse hates me.” I thought it was a very clever saying to come up with on the absurd things people find to complain about.

I know we all have ‘stressors’. We cannot control that because the rent still has to be paid and the food still has to be on the table and you still have to deal with people pushing your buttons and Aunt Helen coming to stay for two weeks and the idiot who took your parking spot. That will never change. But our response to the stressors is our stress. So as Duke from Magic’s used to say ‘It’s mind over matter. If you don’t mind than it don’t matter.”

The extent or quality of that stress is up to us. When you start to feel anxiety, stress, worry fear or anger take your deep belly breaths. By a deep belly breath I mean inhale through your nose, your belly will rise on the inhale and fall on the exhale. You can go ahead and put one hand on your belly and test it out. Deep breath in, belly rises, exhale, belly falls. This breathing stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system. Breathing is the only thing we do consciously and unconsciously so when we breathe from our belly we are consciously slowing down our heart rate and balancing our own energy.

If you look at stressors from a different perspective you may even be able to find the benefits of stress. Our bodies never lie to us. Our bodies always tell the truth, we just don’t always want to listen because it may mean we have to make some radical changes and everyone fears change.

Try not to resist the information your body gives you. If you have anxiety and it brings you to a yoga class where you learn to belly breathe, well then that anxiety just gave you a gift! How would you ever learn about belly breathing if that darn anxiety didn’t make you?

A certain amount of stress or pain allows us to connect on a deeper level to who we really are. When you meet someone who has had tragedy or illness and they don’t sweat the small stuff and its because they already know the small stuff isn’t real. Pain allows us to understand our own essence of what is real. Just like in a yoga class you need the work before the shivasana, or rest at the end because without it, you’re just laying down on a mat on the floor. It doesn’t mean anything. But after you have worked hard and dripped sweat and pushed yourself, that rest feels amazing. And you are making that connection with who you truly are.

Hopefully we are all always evolving. For real transformation a little rain must sometimes fall. Don’t fear the hard stuff. Have faith and keep an open mind. The hard stuff will bring you to what you really need and who you really are.

I just recently learned that before the ice age “man”, (HA! prove it!) invented fire. Thus enabling human beings to survive.

We already have everything we need in life within us. Tap into it. Break through anxiety, stress, worry, fear and anger and connect to your spiritual stamina. You are stronger than you think.

Or keep the anxiety, pop a pill, make an excuse, curse your boss/spouse/kids. Stay where you are because it’s familiar. At least your horse doesn’t hate you.

Living From Your Whole Heart

The antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness.

Everybody’s tired. How many times a day do you hear yourself or your friends say, “I’m exhausted”?

If your work/life is being done with your whole heart, if you are being your authentic self in what you “do” you will not feel that draining exhausted feeling at the end of the day. If anything you will have to drag yourself away from whatever it is your doing and you will be left with a feeling of exhilaration. Sure your body will get tired and you will have to rest but you won’t feel drained and dragged down. How often when you are doing something you love has the time past swiftly by? I went for a seven-mile walk with a friend the other day and we were having one of the most real and authentic conversations while we walked that I had ever had. The seven miles fell away and when we got back to our starting point we both said, “I could do that all over again!” Sometimes you don’t remember to eat because your so intent on whatever it is your doing.

Our bodies really don’t need as much food as we think we do, case in point, when we are living an authentic life and doing something wholeheartedly our bodies don’t signal its time to stop for cheeseburgers. Quite the opposite, your body says keep going! Have an apple and stay at task.

So now not only are you lost in your passion for doing something you love you are staying fit as well as deepening the mind, body and spirit connection.

Don’t confuse pleasure for joy. The ego seeks pleasure and the soul seeks joy. It won’t really work if you think your passion to live your authentic life is something that only gives pleasure not joy that you feel in your soul. Having drinks with friends brings pleasure, doing something for humanity brings joy. One of my favorite thing to do is to entertain. I love having friends over for dinner and parties, making great food and drinking great wine. I felt like it was something that not only I loved to do but I was good at it as well. We had so much fun hosting parties and dinnersover the years; everyone always had a great time and looked forward to our gatherings. After many years of being the consummate host I realized that I was not getting the same feeling from throwing the party as I had in the past. I was starting to feel tired and a little resentful for always having to ‘be the one’ to have everyone over. Even though no one asked me to and I was only putting myself in the position of catering to everyone. After some introspection I realized that it wasn’t necessarily throwing a party that I loved what I really loved was caring for people. Throwing the party all the time was making me exhausted and unhealthy. I love my friends to be happy and comfortable and content. Laughter, having fun and having a human connection is joyful. It gives me great joy to help someone achieve that feeling. Throwing parties gave me pleasure and not serving others but being of service gave me joy. I just didn’t know how to express it any other way. SO I was almost there doing what was natural for me, being a host. But when it started to not feel quite right it was only through having some quiet introspection what I realized I really wanted to do and that was to be of service to people in a more meaningful capacity. Don’t get me wrong; I still love to put a dinner party together.  Choosing the guest list, the menu the wine the playlist of music. All of these things thrill me to no end. There is nothing wrong with a little pleasure now and again. I mean c’mon, we are only human after all! As long as it is done for the right reasons a gathering can allow great soulful joy.  But throwing parties wasn’t what I did professionally. Through yoga, reiki, meditation and breathing and even the blog I can help facilitate people to learn how to achieve balance in their lives and a greater sense of peace and happiness. My goal all along but being a party girl it just took me awhile to figure it out.

If your lucky enough to be able to sustain a living doing something that brings joy to you heart and soul you are the wealthiest person on the planet. What is “it”? What is your thing? If we all allowed ourselves to follow our dreams and live from the whole heart can you imagine how happy everyone would be just walking around everyday? Spread the word, it is all within our grasp. We just have to figure out what it is we can do from a whole heart. Whether it is writing, playing music, crunching numbers, teaching, debating, philosophizing or being analytical. Every one of us has a passion for something.

Following your dreams can make you happy have more energy AND you’ll be thin?? I’m in.

The Times they are a Changing

Come mothers and fathers

Throughout the land

And don't criticize

What you can't understand

Your sons and your daughters

Are beyond your command

Your old road is

Rapidly agin'.

Please get out of the new one

If you can't lend your hand

For the times they are a-changin'. B. Dylan

Just got back from a dream vacation in Italy with our family. Or shall I say, our Griswold European Vacation. Our oldest daughter Beth has been studying there for the past seven weeks and we went en masse to visit her for a few precious days in the Tuscany region.

 First stop Siena, where she was living. Siena is an unbelievably picturesque medieval village. Beth was waiting for us as we rolled into the hotel parking in our rented mini van, (seemed like a good idea on paper to get that thing and in retrospect it was but really all the van will be remembered for is giving the kids future ammo to mimic their father’s road rage trying to navigate a mini van on the tiny cobbled stone streets of a foreign land and me really helping matters by reminding Mark to ‘Just calm down’. That phrase rarely works the way you want it to yet it seems to be my “go to” in a pinch, always yielding the same result of having the opposite effect.)

We made it from the Florence Airport to our hotel (eventually) and it was great to feast our eyes on Beth. We missed her dearly; finally, I had all my little ducks in a row. I think every parent exhales that little bit of breath you don’t realize your holding in when all your family is together again after being apart and all is right with the world.

We spent the next several days exploring surrounding villages, eating amazing food and drinking great wine. We took things slow and our only agenda was to live la dolce vita, the sweet life, with our bambinos if just for a few days. Since moving to Florida a few years ago we had not been on a family vacation in quite some time, (our thought process is who needs a vacation when you live by the beach all year round. Another theory that really is just good on paper.) Something had changed in our family dynamic that I hadn’t noticed before this trip. Our children had grown up. I now know why Peter Pan was always my favorite story. I wanted my children to stay little forever. But just like Nana, I was being dragged out of the nursery.

Intellectually I knew that was the goal all along and we were passing milestones like graduations and birthdays to indicate that time was, in fact, going by. Get the little people, big and in one piece was our mantra over the years. Confident, kind, well rounded, independent people was what we were aiming for. Why was I so surprised when we finally got there? It wasn’t like it happened over night, it was of course gradual. Yet the rug was pulled out from under me as we sat in piattza’s eating fresh brushetta and drinking Chianti and I looked around at the kids my eyes did a double take still expecting doe eyed, chubby faced blond babies to be staring back at me. When MJ held her wine glass up and said ‘Mom, will you pour me a glass of wine’ I saw her four year old self with little pigtails and a sippy cup and had to blink a few times before the woman sitting in front of me holding up her wine glass came into focus. Now I am not implying that they are all grown up and they are out the door, we have got some time left. But there has been a shift. I have officially gone from manager to consultant for reals.

This next phase of life will be interesting for everyone if we all embrace the change. It’s scary to be facing the world as an adult for the first time. Just like when your three-year-old starts being what can only be described as a terrorist and you suddenly understand how people can actually let that kid go to “school” for a few hours everyday. When your kid is becoming an adult but still living under house rule they become a version of that terrorist again. Or rather, your perception of what they are “supposed” to be is shifting and brother you better go with it. Autonomy is a funny thing to a parent. My rational mind says, of course that is what we want! We have wanted you to be a responsible member of society since the day you were born. But then they start to self govern themselves and your parental instinct says, “Excuse me?” I remember when I used to work at Magic’s Pub as a waitress back in the day, Duke, the cook there would say, “I don’t call you son cuz you shine, I call you son cuz your mine.” But you realize that children are not your possessions. (YES THEY ARE, NO THERE NOT! My sister, my daughter.) The sacred contract is we get them through life with all the love and support they will hopefully ever need and when they are ready, they get to do it for someone else. The evolution of man continues.

Children growing up and out is scary for their parents as well. What am I if not the mother? Good God! Don’t go because then I’ll have to find out! Its sooo much easier giving baths and changing diapers than finding the meaning of your life. Hence the epidemic of adults who still act as though they are children. It’s not their fault! Their parents didn’t let them go when it was time and then all of the sudden your 28 year old “child” is still on your cell phone plan.

So I am learning to embrace the change. Some days my id will act up and I cling to what I already know so well, which is running the house like a tight ship giving orders and doling out punishments for minor infractions. (And loving them too.) But I’m learning to take a deep breath and let it go. Life as we know it is changing everyday for everyone no matter what we do. I have figured out that the world is still my oyster and everything is still possible. My son and my daughters are beyond my command and the times they are a changing, and  life is going to be just as is ought to be.

Gilda Radnor has a great quote,

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity."

The Beginning.

Keeping It Real

We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles.

I loves me a ceremony. A ritual for a formal occasion is the description in the dictionary. You are one person one minute, you go through a ceremony or ritual and suddenly you are someone else entirely. One day a cadet, the next a soldier.  A woman becomes a wife, a man a husband. A high school student gets a piece of paper turning them into a college student, a college student gets a piece of paper saying you are now ready to go out into the world and prosper. (If you are lucky.) A baptism starts your life with religion and hopefully spirituality. A funeral gives your loved ones closure to celebrate life and move on. All of these ceremonies are important to us and represent very real and meaningful times in all of our lives. They also make us immediately conjure up images in our minds of what they are supposed to look like. What life ‘should’ be after we go through with these rituals.

A few weeks ago I was given the privilege to attend my friend’s son’s wedding.

Who doesn’t love a wedding? Glowing happy people who are on the threshold of life together. They entered that church two separate people from two separate families and left united together as one. It was a beautiful day filled with loving sentiments from the priest who was a family friend to the toasts and speeches from their loved ones who were getting an opportunity to tell them what they really mean to them. (Which was the world.)

A week later we were at my son’s graduation. I sat there listening to the amazing keynote speaker they had, an alum who went on to be a Hollywood producer and screenwriter. He was down to earth and funny and he had a very important thing in common with all of the people there. Yes, he was a graduate of the school and since he was youngish some of the same faculty were still there when he attended. But he was a storyteller by trade and he narrated his story well. He related to all of us, not just the students but also everyone there by being his honest and authentic, REAL self while he told his tale. And I realized the reason why I love a ceremony is not because we get to dress up and drink champagne, (Bonus!) but because I am fascinated by the human experience. I love to hear a personal story. I even actually enjoy a funeral because I can’t wait to hear the eulogy. I love to laugh when I am sad and cry when I am happy. It’s all about the REAL story.

The only thing we have to watch out for is the ‘shoulds’. So many people say, “Well, now I graduated. I ‘should’ have it all figured out by now.” Or, “Now that we are married this is what I thought my spouse ‘should’ be like, or how I ‘should’ be in this role.” “The funeral was months ago, I ‘should’ be over it by now.”

The “when I have’s” and the “should’s” are risky business. We all have an archetype in our head of what it looks like when you go through a ritual and are standing on the other side a completely different person. What a gift we would give ourselves if we just threw the old images away and lived life presently and enjoyed/accepted what was.

So many people become co-dependant out of fear. Your happiness (and unless you are a special needs person, your very survival) cannot be dependant on what someone else is or is not doing.

When my daughter left for her trip abroad I gave her a journal that said on the cover, “He said he would give her the world, and she said thank you but she had her own.”  I love that! I am all for being independent. Do your own thing, find your passion and follow your own dreams and don’t mold them into fitting what you think it should be. But enjoy what it actually is. (I am learning this as I go myself, fly by the seat of my pants kind of thing.)

 That being said, at some point we are going to want to share our lives with other human beings. It’s just the way our souls roll. Now what can we do to find balance between being co-dependant and being independent? Maybe the new archetype we can train the future generations to have in their heads is one of inter-dependance. A true relationship where you are authentically you. Then when you are your REAL self and you allow someone else to be his or her REAL selves you are living in your truth.  So many of us are programmed to listen to the ‘shoulds’ that we don’t even know who or what our real self is or what it wants. Get quiet and listen. The whispers are telling you. I have often said on this blog and to my children, ‘Jiminy Cricket!’ They know from years of Disney, (Talk about creating false archetypes, thanks for the Princess fairy tale, not to mention making the very word stepmother sound

ee-ville Walt.) But from those two words my kids know when I say that it means, “Always let your conscience be your guide.”  Jiminy tried to tell Pinocchio. Listen to the voice in your head. That is your soul talking. Your soul is who you REALLY are. All this other stuff is smoke and mirrors. Life is ever evolving. A ceremony or a ritual is a wonderful way of celebrating hard work, life, marriage and even death. Don’t let a ceremony give you the ‘shoulds’. Live your life presently, be true to yourself and the people you love, live honestly and be REAL. 

Happy Graduation Boy!

You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.  ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

My son is graduating from high school in a few weeks. My boy, Mark. We actually call him boy. When Kelly, his youngest sister, was little she referred to him as ‘boy’ since he was the only boy around with three sisters it made sense and it stuck.

It is an exciting time in his life. Not on the cusp of becoming a man but full on grown up manhood. He is everything anyone could ever want in a son and I am so proud of the person he is.

When I was in high school one of my favorite books was The Great Santini by Pat Conroy. (It was also a great movie, perfectly cast!) I specifically remember when I read the letter that the main character Ben’s mother wrote him on his 18^th birthday that I wanted to write my own son a letter like that one day. It struck a chord with me then and as I thought about my boy graduating I remembered that letter. I couldn’t say it better than Pat Conroy so here it is…

"My dear son, my dear Ben, my dear friend who becomes a man today, I want to tell you something," the letter began. "You are my eldest child, the child I have known the longest, the child I have held the longest. I wanted to write you a letter about being a man and what it means to be a man in the fullest sense. I wanted to tell you that gentleness is the quality I have admired the most in men, but then I remembered how gentle you were. So I decided to write something else. I want you to always follow your noblest instincts. I want you to be a force for right and good. I want you to always defend the weak as I have taught you to do. I want you to always be brave and know that whatever you do or wherever you go, you walk with my blessings and my love. Keep your faith in God, your humility, and your sense of humor. Decide what you want from life then let nothing deter you from getting it. I have had many regrets in my life and many sadnesses but I will never regret the night you were born. I thought I knew about love and the boundaries of love until I raised you these past eighteen years. I knew nothing about love. That has been your gift to me. Happy Birthday, Mama"

It isn’t Mark’s 18^th birthday, that day has come and gone. And he is not the oldest either, that belongs to his sister. But as he embarks on the journey of his life as a man I am happy to say he embodies the qualities that as a 16 year old girl I dreamt my future son to have one day. Our dear friend, Ferdie Wandelt once said, “Mark has a moral compass the likes that is rarely seen on a boy his age.” (One of my most proud moments.)

So Mark, boy, I know you are not perfect and I know you have and you will make mistakes,(sometimes you are the biggest bonehead of all in fact), but I love that you are the champion of the underdog, and the defender of the weak. I love that you follow your noblest instincts and always have. I love your sense of humor, you can always make me laugh and you break my heart just to look at you sometimes I love you so much.

I am not under any false pretenses that we made you who you are. You were born with the heart you have. You are you and neither Dad or I can take credit for the man you have chosen to become. You did that all on your own. (and if things go south from here on out and you turn out to be a bank robber or something, that’s not my fault either.)

Enjoy this magical summer between high school and college. The world is waiting for you and everything and anything is possible. Keep being yourself no matter where you go or what you do. Even when we are not around, we are with you every step of the way.